Cargill, Michael - Bits of Cargill by Cargill Michael

Author:Cargill, Michael [Cargill, Michael]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: humour, funny, satire, parody
Published: 0101-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

Veteran road painter's shame, as he runs out of paint

Mishap

57-year old Gerald Markford told of his "Utmost shame, and embarrassment," when he realised that he had run out of paint, whilst marking out a 3-mile stretch of road, in Devon. The experienced road-worker, who was first employed by the local authority in 1958, said that he had been thinking about his niece's Christening that was taking place at the weekend, when "I looked down, and realised that there weren't any bleedin' paint in the roller thing. I’d been walking for 300 yards, overalls and all, with not a drop of goodness coming out of my thinger, no matter how hard I pulled, and tugged on it."

The road, which has since been repainted fully, was missing numerous important markings which "Could have caused a terrible accident, if one of them wonky knocker-lorries had come busting down the road, like they sometimes does. They might have crashed into something big, and spilt all them nice apples all over the place." This would be particularly shocking as Gerald is "Very fond of apples, especially them fresh ones. My dear old Marjorie says, that she likes to polish up a big red one until it looks like it's going to burst it's sweet goodness all over her face. Chance would be a fine thing, I says!"

Shaken

Gerald has promised to make sure that this never happens again, by "Taking an extra tin pot with me, a practice that I had abandoned back when Saddam started the Gulf War. He was a terrible bugger, he was. Scared me stiff whenever I thought of the things he could be doing to me, if I was tied up in his chamber of dirty. Marjorie would have a fit, if she knew about the things that go through my head sometimes".

Speaking about his fear of being called up by the army, and sent out to fight in the Iraqi desert, he said "If they captured me, all I would ask was that they let me keep my overalls on. They are special to me, just you ask my Marjorie!"

"I got years of secrets hiding in the folds of them things."

***

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